Dealing with people in groups and events

The first step in dealing with people is to be selective in who you choose to deal with. Make sure, when you are are able to do so, that everyone in the event is comfortable with the same tone. For some groups that may mean constant profanity and taunting of other members; for others an attitude of mutual respect and avoiding certain topics will be required. This is entirely dependent on the composition and purpose of the group, and no point in the spectrum is inherently better or worse.

You don't have this luxury in an open event, and problems can crop up even in the most perfectly balanced closed group. There will always be miscommunications and outright disagreements. Here are a few things to remember to avoid and mitigate group drama:

* Rule number one: No one is a mind reader.
This is doubly important to remember in a text-only medium like a forum or guild chat, where tone of voice and body language are absent. The person you are speaking to does not necessarily know what you mean, even if you think you're speaking plainly. If their response seems at all off, then they have probably misunderstood you.

And if you don't bother to say it in the first place? Then assume no one knows. Period. If you want to run an event, post the details somewhere or people will make assumptions based on their previous experience. If you need to talk to an event coordinator? Don't just stand there and expect they will notice your silence against the backdrop of all the chatter and tells from other participants.

I cannot stress this enough: there are no mind readers. If there were, they'd be too busy becoming multi-trillionaires at poker to be running events in World of Warcraft.

*Lead by Example
If you want people to stay in character, stay in character yourself. If you want people to respect each other, you have to be respectful of everyone in the group first. You must do your best exemplify whatever it is you are hoping for from others. I guess another way to say this one is: Be competent and don't be a hypocrite.

You don't have to be running an event or managing a guild to lead by example. Your position within the group is irrelevent. You can always lead through both example and expectation (see next section) from any point in the pecking order. Be confident in what you are doing and don't be afraid to step up whenever the opportunity presents itself. Constant exposure to your example will inspire others to react in kind. In other words, if you stay in character all the time, the people you come into contact with are more likely to do so in return.

*Lead by Expectation
Every person, no matter how aloof and self-sufficient they may seem, wants approval and/or recognition in some form. No one sets out to do poorly or be bad -- and when they say they are, they are still usually trying to be the best at being bad, taking control and still being "the most" at what they are doing.

To lead by expectation means to recognize this striving, this potential, and this need in everyone. In seeking approval, people ingest the expectations of those around them. If they hear something often enough, they start to believe what they're told about themselves, even if it's an unspoken expectation, and become what everyone else expects.

It follows that to get the best from the people around you, you should expect the best of them. Treat them as though they are the person they want to be.

*Pay Attention to the People
People crave attention. Give it to them. Doesn't matter who they are, smile at them to acknowledge their presence (Try this in real life. Smile at every person you pass on the sidewalk or in the hall at work. The results are astonishing). Ask them questions about themselves and engage them in discussion on things that are important to them. When you show interest in a person, they feel special and enjoy your company more, are more likely to try to meet your expectations, and are less likely to cause drama through misunderstanding. This skill is KEY to breaking the ice and keeping an event going. But there is a catch: You have to be genuinely interested in knowing about other people. Don't try to fake this; you'll be spotted immediately and produce the opposite of the effect you are wanting. If you can't be genuinely interested in other people, do yourself a favor and don't try to run an RP event. Hand it off to someone who is.

*Pay Attention to the Details
The little details are what people remember. If you remember that at last week's event someone was sick and you ask them how they are doing now? They'll remember that. Running a weekly tavern, I try to note what people order most often and offer it to them first when they return. Paying attention to these kind of little details will earn your events a reputation and bring in more repeat participants. Never ignore the details.

*Be consistent
If you are running a regular event, always run it at the same day and time except in truly extraordinary situations. It is better to cancel an open event than to switch it to a different day and time for just one week (This does not apply to events which are only intended for a small group, where it is easy to communicate changes in day, time or venue).

Also be consistent in applying all of the above. Don't be in character all the time one week and then fall out of character constantly the next. It will give you a reputation for being unreliable, and will inevitably drive people away from the event over the long term.

Conclusion
Ultimately, a successful event rests squarely on how you deal with people in both the short and long term. Always match the tone you want for the event, and always exemplify what you are expecting from your participants, as they will look to you for direction. Remember that the best way to shore up a flagging conversation is to engage others in a topic that is of infinite interest to them: themselves. And pay attention to the reputation you are making for yourself. There is no such thing as a slip that won't affect your reputation, and reputation is the currency you use to bring participants back to future events.